How To Stop People Pleasing Over the Holidays
People pleasing, or “Fawning”, can be harmful to one's mental health and can lead to feelings of low self-esteem, resentment and burnout, especially during a stressful time like the holidays where there is already a ton of unrealistic expectation put on women and mothers.
As the holidays approach, it’s important to prioritize our mental health. This can be especially difficult for those of us who don’t ever prioritize ourselves to begin with. Society puts an expectation on women and mothers especially to make sure holidays are magical for everyone else in our lives. Meanwhile we are diving head first into old family of origin dynamics, many of which might be triggering. Most women are socialized to “be sweet and smile”, but many also fall into a related dynamic of people pleasing. Always putting others’ needs above our own is likely related to a concept in psychology called “The Fawn Response”, or people pleasing.
The Fawn Response refers to a coping mechanism in which an individual will suppress their own needs and feelings in order to avoid conflict or please others. This response develops as a survival strategy in childhood when a parent has a temper or is hostile. A child will prioritize their attachment with that parent in order to feel safe. As adults, that fear of conflict persists, even when conflict with others does not mean danger, rejection, or abandonment. So the people-pleasing adult will default to prioritizing others’ needs to avoid conflict altogether.
“Fawing” can be harmful to one's mental health and can lead to feelings of low self-esteem, resentment and burnout, especially during a stressful time like the holidays where there is already a ton of unrealistic expectation put on women and mothers. Here are a few tips for overcoming the fawn response:
Recognize when you're fawning: The first step to overcoming the fawn response is to recognize when you're doing it. Pay attention to when you find yourself suppressing your own needs or feelings in order to please others. This may feel like a pit in your stomach, or you may feel exhausted by smiling through emotional discomfort. You might not even notice it right away and later it leaves you feeling exhausted, low, and with resentment. You might even feel anxiety symptoms when you’re fawning, like increased heart rate and rapid speech.
Learn to say "no": One of the most important things you can do to overcome the fawn response is to learn to say "no" when necessary. It's okay to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs. This is far easier said than done, but it’s important to start practicing in safe situations with little, insignificant things before moving toward situations where saying “no” feels like there are much higher stakes.
Practice self-care: Taking care of yourself is essential in overcoming the fawn response. Make sure you're getting enough sleep, eating well, and engaging in activities that you enjoy, or able to lean into self-compassion if these things aren’t currently possible. Self-care is pretty foundational for establishing a baseline of healthy self-esteem, and it takes confidence to prioritize yourself and your needs over others!
Learn assertiveness: Assertiveness is the ability to express your own needs and feelings in a respectful and non-threatening way. Practice assertive communication to express yourself effectively and set boundaries. Again, starting with low stakes situations can be the best way to begin practicing!
Seek professional help: If you find that you are frequently engaging in the fawn response and it's impacting your mental health, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor who can help you work through the underlying issues.
Recognize the value of your needs and feelings: Remember that your needs and feelings are important and valid. It's okay to prioritize them, and it's important to not suppress them for the sake of others.
Overcoming the fawn response takes time and effort, but by recognizing when you're doing it, learning to say "no," practicing self-care, learning assertiveness, seeking professional help, and recognizing the value of your own needs and feelings, you can work towards healthier and more authentic relationships with others. And what better time to start practicing than the holidays! Remember, change takes time and patience, but with time and effort, you can overcome the fawn response and prioritize your own well-being, living a more authentic life.
I hope you have a wonderful holiday season filled with lots of love (and self-care)!
Kaci Smith, LMFT
I am a licensed psychotherapist in California. I run online therapy groups for women in California. Visit my website to learn more